


Despite It All.

by icedior



Series: Dream SMP One-shots [3]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Boys In Love, Genderfluid, Genderfluid Sapnap (Video Blogging RPF), Other, Shut the fuck up I'm projecting, Supportive Karl Jacobs, They are so in love, Transphobia, mascara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:47:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28307748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icedior/pseuds/icedior
Summary: Sometimes people don't understand Sapnap.And despite the discomfort in their bones,they can't make the world understand.Just as long as Karl is by their side.Everything (should be) is fine.So why do they feel so alone?
Relationships: Karl Jacobs/Sapnap
Series: Dream SMP One-shots [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2054313
Comments: 1
Kudos: 71





	Despite It All.

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, my gift to you, this melancholy one-shot.
> 
> No, I don't ship them in real world terms, also I'm using their stage names to add on this fact.
> 
> Inspired by Mrs. Magic - Strawberry Man Intro (Slowed + Looped)

Sapnap is a one of a kind man. 

Sometimes they are an one of a kind person. 

Many people would agree on the said statement, especially their boyfriend Karl. They haven't been dating very long though. Only half a year, 6 _interesting_ months to say the least. When speaking to others about their relationship Sapnap was very enclosed & private about it. Maybe it had to do with the trauma they had when they were growing up in their teens and coming to age years, that they were still currently in. Their parents would always hear the same response of when they were meet Karl one day soon, it just didn't seem like the right time. 

In Sapnap's mind, _it never seemed like the right time._ Karl seemed to understand; even though they never went into specifics about the nitty with him. Karl saw his lover sitting in their apartment kitchen with a blank expression on their face whilst holding their usual cup of iced coffee. Karl prayed that it was decaf for once in their lives but he knew that Sapnap would rather actually _die_ than have a decaf coffee in their life. Karl sighed in happiness as he entered the kitchen and poured himself his own cup of coffee, but was stopped by the sound of someone's voice. 

_"Don't-"_

_I don't even want mine anymore- take it."_ spoke Sapnap trying to face him, but something was stopping them. Karl shifted his body weight to the other side to actually see . Then it hit, _they were wearing mascara._ Karl grinned, showing off his teeth just a teeny bit. Sapnap groaned into the table with embarrassment, "I _know_ it looks like shit." They seethed as they tried to peek at Karl. "Well, I am no makeup artist, but I think it looks fine." says Karl, with clear obvious motives that he was trying to play as the supportive boyfriend role, and as much as they would like to indulge in the fact that Karl was their yes men in a way and that Karl could feed in his subliminal adoration and praise kink- it didn't seem to kick in like it usually did. Thanks to the fact that Sapnap's self hatred with themselves seem to overpower their mentality today, and secretly every other day for that matter.

"Let me see what you were trying to go for." Karl suggests, Sapnap reluctantly agrees knowing that it would turn into a conversation between two elementary school children knowing that Karl would try to go in with the 'pretty please' tactic. They uncover their eyes from their sweater sleeves and they proceed to push back their lion mane that was called hair but it was tamed to be difficult considering, that they went with a sweater paws for hands approach. " _Y'know_ those goth girls on my pinterest? With the smudgy mascara? It was supposed to look like that but- I feel like I look like a _shit faced_ raccoon." Sapnap explains wanting to whine out of dramatism. But they just end up awaiting their boyfriend's response- holding their breath in as they waited. "I mean- _you're a pretty raccoon_ at best!" Karl defends. Making their mouth go agape, "What the fuck!" Sapnap replied, playfully in response They both laughed as Karl embraced them from behind

"You won't always get things on the first try, _but I'm sure you will improve._ And if mascara is something you will want more in the future- then you just made yourself easier to shop for!" Karl whispers before kissing them on the lips, then feeling something sticky and shimmery on his own lips.

 _"I also wanted to try on lip gloss."_ Sapnap explains sheepishly. "I love it." Karl states not for long, as he pulls them in for another kiss.

* * *

_It was when he was a freshman in high school that he knew that he wasn't like the rest of his guy friends- it didn't have much to do with his sexuality per say but it had something to do with his gender. It was the way he had to present himself as he._

_'_ _He did this- and he did that'._

_It felt uncomfortable. But he also knew that he didn't want to fully transition to a she. Because he still felt empowered to be himself when he had a beard from time to time. It was just that- he hated the words;_

_"You're a man."_

_Sapnap was conflicted- he didn't knew where these feelings were coming from- and they even felt even more so wrong being raised in a religious household. Sapnap scrolled through the internet trying to see what his internet friends were up to. He saw that one of his friends friends had something in their bio description about themselves that intrigued him._

_**"they/them."** _

_Sapnap did some research which would led him to the terms; "non-binary" , "defying the gender binary"_

_It was an odd concept but seeing other people live out the idea of just being themselves seemed ideal for Sapnap and he secretly loved it._

_After seeing the things he discovered he felt like a new person within himself, almost finding the missing puzzle piece that was long gone but finally found. Coming out online seem to scare him even though his mutual circle seem to be loving and nothing but supportive of anything he did, especially his friend Dream- who they've been interacting for a year now- but it felt like he knew them his whole life._

_A week passed and he felt like he should finally update his location description once in for all._

* * *

**sap :) |** **@sapnap**

_fuck creepers on jah._

**420 following | 1,021 followers**

**14\. he/they. dream's basement.**

* * *

_They shook with anticipation of updating his information so everyone following could see. It wasn't a personal account that their parent's had accessed to but the idea of accidentally getting caught feared them entirely. So being extra cautious was a must- then they decided to post a quick status update._

* * *

**sap :) | @sapnap**

check location.

**21 replies. 45 likes.**

* * *

_After the wave of positivity flooded his mentions he saw that he got a message from someone._

**dream:** i saw your post :0 

**dream:** i'm so proud of you- literally sapnap you have no idea how happy 

this makes me like, you are so fucking valid. and i don't care despite anyone 

else's opinion's but yours. i love you so much man... do you want me to

start using they/them pronouns when i refer to you in my posts? 

**sapnap:** oh my god dream

**sapnap:** that means so much to me coming from

you- you're my bestest friend ever. and yes please that

would make my heart go <3333 and i love u more wtf! 

**dream:** welcome to the lgbt motherfucker- fucking 

finally we've been expecting your dumbass. 

**sapnap:** LMAOOO SHUT THE FUCK UP

* * *

_As time passed they found themselves trying to become their true self in secret due to their circumstances. Some girl they knew in World History was nice enough to let him borrow a clear nail polish she had every month or so- and that was going pretty well._

* * *

**sapnap:** i want to come out to my mom on birthday.

 **dream:** you really think that's a good idea.

 **sapnap:** i really want to be honest with her.

 **dream:** good luck and tell me how it goes !

* * *

_Slowly but surely Sapnap's birthday was around the corner and they felt confident and sure enough that they could come out to their mother once and for all. They didn't know why- but they felt like, they could trust their mother and they felt like their mother would understand where they were coming from, surely so- right? When they arrived home, things seemed to be going well._

_Too well._

_After they had opened their presents that they were ever so ex"tremely grateful for- they felt like they had to finally tell their mother now, or never. Never couldn't be in option- honestly they felt like they'd explode if they did. "Mom-" Sapnap said shakily. Their mother turned to look at them with soft eyes, 'I can tell her, she loves me- she'd be the only person to understand.' "Yes sweetie?" She wondered curiously, "I have something to tell you." Sapnap whispered softly, feeling like glass being so fragile and close to breaking. "Well what is it?" She asked, more seemingly alarmed by the second._

_"I- want to be referred to using they/them pronouns." They confessed, feeling as if a weight lifted their shoulders seeing that it was heavy to lift constantly with their own guilt consuming them._

_"What does that mean exactly?" Mother wondered._

_"Instead of saying he went to the store, it's more like they went to the store... and replacing the masculine pronouns with gender neutral pronouns..." explained Sapnap, their fear slowly arising seeing that their mother isn't understanding a concept that seems so comforting to them now._

_"But you're a boy!" Their mother shouted in confused pain. Sapnap flinched at the word 'boy'. She wasn't wrong but they didn't feel like they fit the social standard of the term which stood for boy- they felt so comfortable with being in middle. They didn't want one or the other anymore._

_She just couldn't see._

_Angry words echoed throughout the halls of them being a man forever because that's what God made them. It going physical because Sapnap tried to play devil's advocate with reason. Tears of frustration from the both of them. It was awful, downright awful... Making them realize they could never be their truest selves in the household. It was disheartening fact to say the least, and it stung even more because they thought their mother would be the only person to understand. The only one who did was a person who lived miles away from them who he hasn't even met._

_Rather than their own mother._

* * *

"Hey- can I ask you something?" Sapnap asked, as they pulled away from the kiss- Karl furrowed his eyesbrows in confusion. "Yeah baby what's up?" Karl tried to figure out the question from their gaze but they were always a hard shell to crack. "Never mind." Sapnap said trying to get up from the table and away from him entirely. Karl wanted to chase after them, but it seemed like they wanted to be alone. He heard the bathroom door being semi-slammed; Karl frowned in defeat- they seemed like they were going to have a good day today but knowing them- their moods change frequently and there was nothing he could do it about it. 

Sap locked the door as they stared at themselves- in defeat. They didn't know if it was the caffeine in the coffee or the added sugars that made him more jumpy but they felt awful about everything & and anything. In their body that no longer felt like there's in that moment. Frantically, they made an extreme effort of wiping the clumpy mascara that they succumbed to hate. Leaving their eyes red and irritated, and becoming a darker shade of red from the tears that released from their tired eyes. They knew Karl was doing the best he could, but there was one thing he couldn't understand was that Sapnap wasn't like everyone else.

 _They didn't_ _know how to be like everyone else._

_He tried being like everyone else._

But there was no happiness to gain from it- attempts were futile. 

There was a soft knock on the door. "You okay?" Karl wondered. Sapnap wiped his nose with his sweater, "I'm fine-" in a faked tone. 

_'Y_ _ou have to let him at some point'_

_'But you've always done this alone.'_

_'I'm no longer alone.'_

Sapnap bit their lip in anxiousness. As they wished to opened the door. "Ok. _I love you._ " They heard Karl say. Before both of them knew it Sapnap swung the door open. Karl felt his heart shatter in pieces- he hated seeing Sapnap looking completely broken. "I'm..." Sapnap spoke, "I'm not-fine." They finally admit. Karl looks at them confused, even though he knew it beforehand it was strange to see them admitting it and telling him when something was wrong. "Baby- what's wrong?" Karl asked. Sapnap looked at the floor, not being able to look at their boyfriend straight in the face.

"I feel bad- I feel awful, I'm tired of it. I know you love me but I can't even open to you! I'm sorry Karl, I really am. It's just so hard, especially when I try to be myself. It's hard to be myself-" Karl frowned, "There's nothing wrong with you being yourself." he said trying to assure it. Sapnap broke into tears once more, " _Well, try telling my mom that._ " he hugged Karl trying to find comfort in his arms. "Y-Your mom?!" Karl asked confused, he didn't know this, from the fact that they hid it from him, and the fact that whenever they spoke about their mother it was very little and positive, no preconceived negative emotions came from it. _"I tried coming out to her- when I was in high school, but she was angry. She didn't understand nor accept me. I didn't want to force her to understand. So, we left it at that.. I tried being a man like she wanted me to, but I no longer couldn't do it." "Then I met you. She's kind of okay with the idea of you but if I brought up my pronouns again, I'd be probably be pushing it."_

After that revelation Karl stayed quiet, "Every time I do something that makes me happy- I hear that same _fucking_ voice over and over. Saying that I will always be a boy." Sapnap cries out, it ached their boyfriend to hear. 

"Hey!" Karl says, trying to snap them out of their sadness if it only meant for a second. "To _me-_ you'll always be _Sapnap._ You've always been _Sapnap._ Forget the ideas of being what society deems okay. _Just try your best to be Sapnap._ " Those words resonated with them, and they smiled for what seemed to be a long time since he smiled, he knew that the road of being outwardly themselves wouldn't be easy but it was nice to know Karl was on their side.

"I love you, I really really love you Karl."

"Well, I love you more Sap."

"There's no way."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a late Christmas gift, I'm sorry x.


End file.
